Something to write about...

I'm currently starting this blog post in between what seems to be a never ending night of discipline, corner time and reflection.

I've been given a break before the next round to focus on how I got to where I am.  What were the choices I made in the past few days, the signs that I can look for in the future to keep me from this situation again.  

I cannot promise you much structure in this post.  Judge or don't judge me on the babble you are about to read.  I am compelled to put my thoughts down.

At this moment, I am calm, for the first time in days, and I'm turning to the outlet that I have made for myself.   An outlet that I have neglected for weeks now.

I began to justify my neglect by telling myself there was simply nothing to write about.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I would stare at a blank page and refuse to write about what was really bugging me. I felt it would show weakness if wrote about my fears of being off schedule for the holidays, or how lately I can't shake this weight of insecurity off of me.  Instead, I went to my old bag of tricks and pulled out my pride and denial.  I don't NEED to write, I don't NEED to reflect.  What is a few weeks going to hurt?

It's not really about the lack of writing, it's the lack of processing what is going on in this head of mine. Shoving down and pretending that these feelings do not exist has boiled over making me anxious, unfocused and defiant. 

I have outright disrespected Aaron, along with the two most patient mentors a girl could ever ask for. 

With the mentors, the effects of my decision were subtle at first.  Instead of talking about my insecurities, I pouted and figuratively stomped my feet.   I knowingly neglected Sir-ing most of the time, particularly when required verbally.  I resisted much of what was asked from me this week and last. Meeting requirements set for me by the skin of my teeth would be an overstatement.  I covered up my submissive shortcomings with excuses and jokes in hopes they wouldn't see the threads unraveling.  I should have asked for help.  I should have fessed up that I wasn't trying as hard as I should have been.  Being deceptively unsubmissive left me frustrated with myself, making me in turn, even less willing to do the tasks needed.  This morning I did not do what was asked and was out of excuses. I resorted to lying to cover it up.

Covering up situations does not help any relationship.  Lying will kill one faster than anything else I can think of.

The physical consequences have been accounted for, Aaron made sure of that.  I have been told that I will make it right tomorrow.  I plan on it.

With Aaron, my mistakes this week have taken a little longer to come to a head.  We jumped into the holidays together as a team, both knowing how exhausting it can be to feel like you're needed two places at once.  I did not take the opportunity to relay the worry to him that the holiday celebrations play havoc on my need for structure.  I should have asked for help in this area as well, I should have communicated better.  Today I believe the post Christmas adrenaline subsided, leaving me irritable and testy.  I made choices that disrepected him at work, argued and pushed buttons.  


Between the mentors and Aaron today, I knew I was on the road to a "reboot".  I could see my train going off course.  I just didn't have the tools to stop it myself. 


Aaron with one too many buttons pressed today is putting me back on track.

I'm relieved and ever so thankful for it.